Powertalk: 10 Timeless Tips for Becoming a More Powerful
Communicator
by Jan Phillips
Published on this site: November 24th, 2005 - See
more articles from this month
Part of our evolutionary process is learning how to communicate
more effectively and efficiently. Few of us have had much
training in the matter, and most of us have experienced the
consequences of communication breakdowns. We all know what
doesn't work, and how badly it feels to be unheard and misunderstood.
I learned how to speak from a man who didn't know how to
listen. I once worked for a CEO who had no space or time for
my emotions or conversational process—so I wrote an article
called "Who's Listening?" for a newsletter I created
every month. Since I had been so thrown off guard by his apparent
disinterest in the "whole" me, I was led to question
what it was about my own communication style that made it
hard for us to talk.
These are the questions I asked myself and ultimately
included in the article. I hope they help.
- Are you being negative? Nobody enjoys being in the presence
of negative energy. Try listening to yourself as you speak.
Pay attention to your tone of voice. If you are whining,
stop it. If you are being cynical or complaining, stop it.
For one week, try turning your complaints into requests
and see if you notice a difference in how your ideas are
received.
- Do you share opinions, but not your inner self? When's
the last time you were in the presence of a powerful speaker?
What do you remember about what the speaker said? Chances
are, whoever was talking was sharing some personal story,
illustrating a point with an anecdote. Listeners get enrolled
in a conversation when the speaker actually shares something meaningful about his or her life. Rich communication never
occurs by accident. It takes intention and attention. Think
of the most engaging conversationalist you know. Next time
you hear that person, listen for how much of themselves
they really share. Try sharing something personal next time
you're in a conversation with someone who's important to
your life. Trust them enough to admit a fear of yours, to
tell a story from your childhood, or to share a vision you
have for the future. We are all waiting to have these conversations,
but no one wants to go first. Try going first.
- Are you planning what you want to say while others speak,
instead of listening? This one always backfires. It's a
dead giveaway. People know when you're doing it because
your responses to their speaking are usually inappropriate,
and communication breaks down rapidly. No one listens back
to someone who hasn't listened to them. Instead of spouting
off your opinions immediately after a person has spoken,
ask them something about what they just said. Pay attention
to their speaking and they will pay more attention to yours.
- Do you live up to your word? Did you ever know someone
who was always going to do this and always promising to
do that and never came through? Did you stop listening to
that person after awhile? The world is full of dreamers
and planners, but it's people's actions, not their dreams,
that inspire us. Open up and share something you've accomplished
that you're proud of. If you have something you want to
accomplish, ask for support. People will not take us seriously
if they see we do not take our own words and commitments seriously.
- Have you created an environment for listening? It is
not easy to listen to someone in a room where TV's and radios
are in competition with humans. If real communication is
important to you, try turning off the tube and finding a
commercial-free FM station that plays music conducive to
conversation. Classical music stimulates the alpha waves
in our brains, and keep our creative juices flowing.
- Do you speak as a victim of circumstances or as a creator
of possibilities? People who speak as if the world were
out to get them have a difficult time finding listeners.
No one wants to get pulled into the emotional quicksand
that a "victim" seems to be buried in. Consider
how you respond as a listener to other people's tales of
woe? Do you tire quickly in that context? Do you get depressed
and feel burdened? Energy is contagious. If you speak as
the one who's designing your life, rather than as a victim
of other peoples' actions, you will empower yourself and
others.
- Does your listener know the value of your relationship
with her or him? Establishing a background of trust and
relatedness is critical to communication. The better sense
a person has of you and of your commitment to the relationship,
the more open will they be to your speaking. If what needs
to be communicated is difficult or risky, it often helps
to begin by stating what's at stake for you and how important
honesty is to the relationship.
- Do you inquire about what may be important to your listener
or do you mostly talk about yourself? One way to ensure
that your listener is with you is to include her or his
interests in your conversation. The next time you have coffee
with your neighbor or sit next to your co-worker in the
cafeteria, initiate a conversation about something you know that person
is interested in. If she's a ski enthusiast, ask her about
her favorite places to ski. If he's into computer games,
strike up a conversation about an article you read on the
subject. People listen up and open up when you show a genuine
regard for something they're interested in.
- If people listened to you like you listen to others,
would you be satisfied? Most of us have a person in our
life who plays the role of listener when we really need
to talk about something. If you have such a person, consider
what particular skills this person has at listening. Why
did you pick her or him as your sounding board? What is
it that makes you trust them? What body language do they
exhibit when you speak that lets you know they're with you?
Is it helpful to have people give you advice when you share
something difficult, or would you prefer they just listen
and let you sort things out in their presence? Can you be
present to someone's pain without trying to solve all their
problems? Observe how you listen the next time someone shares
something difficult and see if you can refrain from offering
advice and platitudes.
- Are you complaining to the wrong people? It doesn't help
anyone to complain to people who have no power to change
things. If something is wrong, find out who's in charge
and take your concern to the right person.
Jan Phillips is a principal with 9th Element Group,
a master communicator, thought leader, keynote speaker and
award-winning author who is currently writing The Art of Original
Thinking: The Making of a Thought Leader (9th Element Press).
Jan describes the steps to becoming a Thought Leader and discusses
the impact of Thought Leaders in their workplaces, communities
and organizations. More info at: http://www.9thelementgroup.com/original_think.php?id=67
|
