Compose Yourself! How to Resolve Conflict without the Aggravation

by Ronnie Nijmeh

Published on this site: July 19th, 2005 - See more articles from this month...

We've all had arguments with siblings as children, whether it was about toys or sharing a crayon. As a child we didn't quite know how to express ourselves or our reasoning behind our desires, we just knew that we wanted something, we wanted it now, and raising our voice would certainly give us the attention we needed.

So what happened in those situations? After an argument consisting of many exchanges of "It's mine! No, it's mine!", your mother usually intervened. But if you're like most of us, your mother just told you to quit whining and behave or else.

And that "else" really frightened you as a child. That "else" caused the conflict to stop to a grinding halt, even though you were even further from a solution.

As a child, we were conditioned to think that our conflicts would disappear, but not because they were resolved, rather because continuing the argument would bring us to face the parental tribunal.

The Emotional Response to Conflict

This training as a child can lead us to believe that conflict is harmful and should be completely avoided as we mature, so when real disagreements arise, we resort to what we know. But since we may not have had experience in solving our own conflicts successfully, we base our reaction on an emotional level. Either through aggression or avoidance, we learned to attack or retreat from conflict instead of acting rationally and collaboratively.

These emotions can cloud rational thoughts and judgments and then before we know it, the conflict spirals out of control and into a personal attack face off. But now, instead of facing the parental tribunal, we risk facing harsher consequences from our own families, friends and colleagues.

Cutting through the Emotional Ties to Bring a Fresh Perspective

At this stage, we must take a step back and observe the big picture. Before we can do this, we must separate ourselves emotionally or even physically from the situation since our involvement in the conflict emotionally charges our opinions and judgments. Just like a mother who thinks her son's artwork is better than Picasso's, we will not have an objective or unbiased view of the situation because of our emotional ties.

Time away from the conflict usually brings us a fresh perspective. I'm not telling you to run away from your problems, but you should allow yourself a few minutes away from the action to think things through as realistically and objectively as possible.

This may sound easier than it really is, but remember that you have family and friends whose opinions are valuable as a third party observer. While they may not have all of the answers for you, they might be able to ask the right questions that frame the conflict in a whole new light.

Short of that, ask yourself: What happened? How did it start? Why did it happen? And where do we go from here?

It must be our goal to seek collaborative solutions. Doing so leads to happier and healthier relationships and greater results.

Ronnie Nijmeh is the executive director of ACQYR Skills (pronounced: "Acquire"), a report series on transferable skills that condenses hundreds of pages of information into a handy 16-page reference report. ACQYR Stress Relief is a report containing dozens more useful tips & tricks, interviews with experts, and case studies to help enhance your skill set. For more information, visit: http://www.acqyr.com/skills/